Sonic racing


Hold it. We have The Answer.

No, not to Life, the Universe and Everything (we already know that’s 42), but something even more fundamental: sound.

And not just any sound, but specifically, sound in motorsport. It’s been a big talking point in F1 so far this season, and sound has also been wielded like a blunt instrument by hyper-sceptics prophesying the doom, destruction and otherwise complete fallacy of Formula E.

Formula E, we already know, will constrain its decibels to a level that will allow spectators to actually converse with one another without screaming and leave an event without tinnitus before the age of 10. This simply isn’t good enough, many have decided with considerable foresight (or should that be fore-hearing?), demanding that motorsport that does not create the sensation of standing inside the barrel of a tank gun/Armageddon/Jeremy Clarkson’s cake hole is not motorsport at all.

Never fear, for we have devised The Solution: fit each Formula E racing car with an 80s-style ghetto blaster. Wire said boom box to an electronic gizmo capable of streaming music over the magic of the interweb. Then, leave it to spectators to select the most appropriate tracks for each driver, race and situation, via social media. A sort of Twitter-enabled jukebox on wheels, if you like.

The Venturi cars, for example, would benefit from the entire soundtrack to co-owner Leonardo DiCaprio’s acting career. A bit of My Heart Will Go On blaring down the back straight; or The Beach at the Rio track (whatever happened to All Saints?). The Virgin team would have rather too much choice, but we’d put Relax at the top of the list: perfect race preparation for any driver.

Rolling out of the pit lanes, we could imagine strains of Eye Of The Tiger (no connection to battery cars, but an addictive riff). First corner collisions could be set to Welcome To The Jungle. Whoever passes the chequered flag first would then treat spectators to a bit of Abba’s Winner Takes It All, while, at any and all accidents, it would be mandatory to blast out Danger, High Voltage by Electric Six. Metallica’s Battery would have to feature, as would anything by AC/DC.

And what about the more obvious choices, Electric Avenue and Together In Electric Dreams? Well, we reckon the royalties would keep the artists pretty happy.

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